Trust

A tiny word that holds so much weight.

My first introduction to trust was probably 'trust falls'. We learn about this pretty early in our lives, there was a weird time where everyone was kinda just doing trust falls all over the place - there was even this running joke that you’d randomly just do a trust fall onto a stranger, that was a weird time.

We learnt about trust falls in drama class, I remember we were getting to know our fellow classmates and the best way to do this was apparently plunging your body into 11 yr olds. Each classmate had to stand on a table and literally just drop into the sweaty hands of strangers. Mind you, below us, was concrete tile. I remember it being my turn, I was terrified and prayed that my weight wouldn’t be too much of a shock to the kids below me. I took a deep breath in and looked at the bright side - if this didn’t work out as planned I could skip my math test which I was currently failing, yes I was already failing math in gr 6. I said a quick prayer, ran through all the possible outcomes and plummeted backwards. The space between mid-air and 8 pairs of hands was a scary place, it was filled with doubt, anxiousness and ultimately fear. Spoiler - I survived. And each time it was someone else's turn I now understood the weight of my job, the trust that this stranger had to have, the immense responsibility I had to catch my classmates.

Imagine having to go through this exercise every time you decided to place your trust in someone. Imagine the responsibility and caution they'd have knowing that youre literally placing your life in their hands.

My second introduction to trust was having it broken. I don't wanna be too melodramatic about it but it kinda shaped my outlook on trust for a long time after that. Long story short I had a best friend, we're still best friends, but there was a rocky time in our friendship - you know how it goes - high school. I don't remember what we fought about that's probably how dumb it was, but my best friend had broken my trust. As a 13 yr old this shook the core of who I was (how dramatic lol) I was heartbroken and swore to never trust again. Yes, that's exactly what I said - and I said it out loud. I promised myself that I'd never trust anyone ever again. Here's the thing - this was bound to happen. You're going to get hurt, or disappointed by the people closest to you, but I held onto that offence and it literally became my narrative. It became a personality trait almost, I took it upon myself to never trust again.

Years later I'd forgotten about what had promised but 'lack of trust infiltrated into a lot of my friendships' without me even realizing. I'd catch myself guarding and putting fences around my heart, that tiny incident that had happened shaped my outlook on everything, maybe you've had a similar experience - someone unintentionally or even intentionally breaking your trust and maybe youre still holding onto it?

Anyway, years later one of my friends made a joke saying I had "trust issues", I laughed it off and then took some time and realized that, damn I kinda did. I didn't believe what people said, I was careful not to share too much, before getting to close to people I'd shut off, I'd expect them to disappoint me or I'd just distance myself.

I sat with Jesus and asked him why, as if it was his fault. He reminded me of the words I'd said years before, the words I'd repeatedly say out loud "I'm not trusting ever again" the dramatic words of a 13 yr old child had power over me. Every word we speak carries weight, words shape our internal world and the core affects the external world.

I needed to apologise to myself for speaking that over my life and make the decision to learn how to trust. And its a process, I struggle to get it right, slowly but surely I'm learning to let down the fences.

What's beautiful about God is that his trust is perfect and although we might and will fail, his faithfulness endures forever. This was something I had to learn to do to, trust God confidently with my life, I somehow believed that because people were sometimes untrustworthy, God was too. The biggest lie. God doesn't fail - its not in his nature, its impossible. Although people will let you down and although I will let other people down, my God will never let me down.

I haven't perfected it and I never will but I've learnt that trusting God is a surrendered heart, much like a trust fall its literally placing your life in his hands knowing, that he won't let you down.

he won't let me down he won't let me down he won't let me down he won't let me down he won't let me down he won't let me down he won't let me down he won't let me down

If it means having to repeat those words until I believe it then that's what I'll do,

I will open up again, throw my fears into the wind.

(touch of heaven, hillsong)