Toxic Relationships, being a better friend, making mistakes and more!

Relationships, being a better friend, figuring out whether someone is meant for you, when are you ready for a relationship and so much more! Ohhh I'm so excited! I feel like an older sister giving advice, which I love! My younger sister usually loves hearing tips and my thoughts on dating and whatnot, so here's a sneak peek into the kind of conversations we have! So grab a cup of tea, I've got mine and let's chat about dating, friendships and how God comes into the mix of it all.

Q1: Relationships with + as a believer of God

Absolutely love this question! As the creator of relationships, I think God plays a massive role in any relationship you have - friendship and dating likewise. Relationships as a believer look very different to the relationships we see in the world. Why?

Deuteronomy 14:2-8 You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure.

We are set apart and that includes the relationship and dating culture of the world.

Earlier on in this scripture, they mention idolatry and how we are set apart from it.

So often we idolise relationships without even realizing it. I think an important thing to note when having a relationship as a believer, is that it doesn't take the place of God in our lives.

Storytime: Before starting the relationship I'm currently in, I asked God whether or not it was from him, I prayed about it and really surrendered it to him - he immediately responded with the words "You're all I need nothing else can compete". I was stunned, "God of course you're everything, there's no competition" I replied. At that moment I realized that God takes first place and will continue to, if I ever have to choose between God and a relationship, there no competition.

Furthermore, we as Christian couples put this immense amount of pressure on ourselves to always get it right, we are scared of making mistakes and can often have this idolised idea that the person we are dating is 100% going to be our husband/wife which is really unhealthy. Yes, the goal of dating is marriage but if along the way it doesn't work out then that's okay too. Also, it's okay to make mistakes - I was terrified of relationships before going in because I had this idea that I had to be perfect before getting into a relationship and that my person had to be perfect as well - why? Because when we see Christian couples all we see is perfect, we don't see how they're struggling with temptation or struggling to get along with families or that their individual relationships with Jesus have been on the backburner, nope we just see two happy people serving together so we put this pressure on ourselves to do the same, giving off the same impression to younger couples and perpetuating the cycle that Christian couples don't struggle. Well, we do, and that's okay - the only difference between a worldly couples struggle and a Christian couple's struggle is where they go to. We as Christians go straight back to Jesus, we seek wise counsel, we make countless mistakes even right after each other but, we go back to Jesus. And the moment you as a Christian couple don't go back to Jesus is when things can quickly shift and become unhealthy. So yes - let's not idolise our partner or put them in the place of Jesus, let's be okay with making mistakes and immediately come back to God. God isn't looking for perfection, he's looking for it. a surrendered heart.

Q2: I would love to hear your thoughts on how to serve your friends better

I love this question! I'm not an expert on this as there have been seasons where I've been a great friend and seasons where I haven't been, but here's what I've seen in my life. Intentionality Intentionality Intentionality!

However, intentionality looks different for every person. That's why I wanna encourage you to find out what makes your friends feel loved. You can do this by asking them, or taking the https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ test with them or doing the Enneagram Test and finding out what makes them feel loved. Because here's what I've realized - you can put all your effort into showing someone you love them but if it's not in the way they feel loved, it won't have the same effect. What has helped my friendships so much is finding out how they feel loved because they all receive love differently and uniquely. Hanna's love language is acts of service and gifts, so doing small things to lighten her load usually makes her feel loved whether it's making her a cup of tea or cleaning her room, just thoughtful things etc whereas Neo loves quality time and words of affirmation, she loves movies - so spending quality time with her means good conversation, going out to the movies or complimenting her outfit. So, find out how your friends receive love and maybe alter the way you give it.

And then also, I've come to realize that the value of your horizontal relationships depends on the value of your vertical relationship with God. My relationships are at their best when I get filled by Gods love and then out of the overflow of his love am I able to love others consistently and truthfully.

Q3: How do I know whether I'm ready for a relationship?

Ask yourself this question: Is this relationship worth leaving my singleness for? Essentially is this person, worth leaving my singleness for.

When we value and understand the purpose and power of our singleness, we"ll know that leaving singleness needs to take a relationship that's worth it.

We often only see the limitations of our season and the freedom in other people's seasons, but every season has its advantages and disadvantages. When we choose to see the value in our season we won’t want to rush out of it. Personally, I loved my season of singleness and I think because I valued it so much I didn't allow meaningless or fleeting relationships to enter my life. When starting my current relationship, leaving singleness was difficult but I knew that it was a relationship worth leaving my singleness for. I think you'll have an idea of whether you are ready for a relationship if your goal is to want to serve them and love them instead of just receiving. Of course, this isn't the only thing you need to assess. Here are some questions I asked myself:

Is this relationship God honouring?

Do I enjoy spending time with this person?

Do I see a possible future?

Do they make me laugh? (please, don't just date someone because they tick all the Christian boxes)

Is this relationship bringing the best out of each other?

Does my family agree?

Also the level of value you place on these questions and the value you place on asking yourself serious questions about whether you think you're ready will accurately reveal in the relationship itself. For example: if you answer willy nilly just to justify whether you wanna be in a relationship you will see yourself justifying that entire relationship.

Q4: How do you remain consistent when reading your bible?

Honestly, I'm not consistent when it comes to reading my bible, the amount of times I've started a book in the bible and not finished it is crazy. However, I do like the idea of doing a book in the bible with a devotional so that it holds you accountable and you get to make it practical. Having people that you're doing it with also helps and taking notes too. I find that when I just read it like a storybook I don't enjoy it as much as when I read it, analyse it, find out the history, take notes, link it to another scripture, listen to a song about the same topic etc. It's supposed to be practical. But yeah, I do really struggle with reading the word consistently, so if you have any tips for me, put them in the comments below, would love to hear from you guys!

Q5: Why did you only start dating after high school?

In my previous blog, one of the pieces of advice I gave was to start dating after high school. I stand by this as it being one of the best decisions I've ever made. If you're in high school, you don't have to take this advice, but I honestly think it will cost you many heartbreaks.

1. If you're not dating to get married you're dating to break up

It sounds so harsh, but it's the reality. Yes, dating in high school seems fun but at the cost of what? Your heart. Anytime you allow someone into your life beyond just friends you are giving them access to your heart and I can promise you that a teenager doesn't know how to properly care for your heart. I've seen countless times, even in my own life and my friends that casual dating is a waste of your time, energy and feelings. Your heart isn't casual, your heart is beautiful, valued and loved so please don't treat it like it's a freelancing job. If you are currently in high school and a relationship, and you don't see a future with this person please do them a favour and protect their heart by being honest with them. Let's not selfishly choose our own temporary desires and needs at the cost of their heart. I've heard so many stories and unfortunately, I've been the person that's temporarily strung someone along knowingly and it hurts so much, so please be careful with peoples hearts and your own.

2. Maturity

The person I am today and the person I was in high school are two completely different people so the amount of maturing that happens between HS and leaving it, is tremendous.

If I had met my boyfriend in High school and started dating him then, I wouldn't have been able to treat him the way I can now. If you truly love and want to honour someone, you won't give them immature love.

Alrighty! That was a lot, I really hope you were able to stick with me through it all, I do wanna encourage you to take this advice within the context of your own life - some things I've mentioned you may not agree with or might not make sense for you. But again, these are just things I've learnt along the way of my own life and the whispers that God has put in my heart. If you have any questions or would like to hear more, please comment down below - would love to hear from you!

You are loved, valued and so important