Rejection

Rejection.

Oh. This is quite a topic, where do you even begin?

Being left out on the playground back in primary school, being told you’re not invited to the VIP sleepover after-party (girls, we know all about this) being chosen last in the dodgeball PE games, sitting in fear of not having a partner during group projects. The list goes on, rejection is evident in every sphere of life. Rejection was most evident in my life in high school. Wow, high school, if you had to put me in a social category in high school, not even I would know what to call it. I wasn’t popular, wasn’t a ‘nerd’ wasn’t sporty, wasn’t cultural, I was just ‘there’, existing.

Now the point of this blog post isn’t for you to feel sorry for me or for me to ‘vent’. The point of this blog post is to paint a picture of how God makes all things new and he restores broken mindsets and broken hearts. So here it goes; my story of rejection.

It was the beginning of grade 9 and we’d just got put into new classes - where I knew absolutely no one. I found an acquaintance and kinda stuck to her for a while. As the days went on she kinda left me and found a group of friends. I sat by myself and tried to initiate conversation with a couple of people. I was determined to make friends but I clearly didn’t fit in. The class was divided between super cool kids and super unique ‘nerdy’ kids and I didn’t fit into any category so I kinda just stayed in the middle, literally, I sat in the middle row with no one around me lol. Things were okay for a while, I didn’t mind not having anyone but that made me an easy target, I didn’t have a group of friends to back me or status to keep me from getting bullied. So the cool kids found a reason to bully. In no way do I hold it against them, they were kids and didn’t understand the consequences of their actions. It's weird writing about bullying because we only ever hear it from bullying campaigns or cringe anti-bullying videos and its usually never talked about. It's weird writing this because it sounds like such a high school cliche, but it was my reality. For a year of my life I kept quiet during class, I spent lunches in the bathroom when my friends from other classes were busy, my earphones were my best friend and only sort of comfort. I hid away and tried to draw no attention to myself, basically kept my eyes on the ground and isolated myself from everyone. One thing I’ve seen that bullying does to people is that it makes you feel embarrassed+ guilty and causes you to lose trust in your own friends that had nothing to do with it, I drifted from my friends and my family. I remember having silent car rides to and from school for a whole year. I hadn’t confessed to myself that I was getting bullied, I refused to believe it, I refused to be a ‘victim' to bullying, and because I hadn't accepted and dealt with it, only years after did I get healing from it. What I didn't know was that the fear of rejection infiltrated into every area of my life and soon I began to close myself up in fear of feeling rejected. I then realised that I had a habit of rejecting people, it wasn’t intentional, but it was there. I would reject people before they could reject me. (How sad. Hurt people, hurt people) I was stuck in this unhealthy mindset, I kept my walls up not allowing any new friendships or vulnerability with anyone. I was scared of allowing people into my life. Ultimately, my heart was hardened to making + keeping friends.

A couple of years later I was in the last year of high school and was doing the Freedom course ( this crazy amazing course that my church was doing) It was during this course that I had realized the built-up hurt + rejection within me. I sat in the course and the word ‘rejection’ came up. I immediately felt this wave of panic, the word scared me and I had no idea why. They spoke about the 4 blockages of the heart: Selfishness, bitterness, rejection and evil thoughts. Rejection stuck out to me and I had realized I hadn't surrendered it to God.

All of the outward symptoms - not making friends, feeling isolation, and my hardened heart made sense. When symptoms like this are present there's a deeper issue and it is associated with the heart. I sat with my freedom group and in the 5th week of Freedom course, I finally opened up and cried. I had this revelation of why the last few years of my life was so caged. I completely misinterpreted the 'guard your heart' phrase. I didn't guard my heart, I locked it up, gave it an encrypted password, electric fenced it, gave it outdoor beams, and put alarm systems in place. And the crazy thing about blocking your heart is; as much as you're not allowing the bad things from entering you're also stopping the good things from coming. YOH! As I looked at the last few years I was reminded of this verse that God continuously gave me - it's all over every notebook I've owned. He gave me whispers every single day.

Hebrews 3:15

"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."

When I got home from freedom course I immediately went to my notebook and wrote 'rejection' a letter ( sidenote: if you've never written your 'obstacle' a letter, DO IT!)

REJECTION

You have no hold on me. I am not bound to you, I'm beyond you. My idea of myself in others eyes is not a factor. I let go of this fear that I'm not good enough or the idea that I'm not wanted or needed.

I am important, I am valued. I am not alone. No longer will I look at myself in the eyes of the world but rather in the eyes of the word. God says I am loved, I am precious I am worth it.

I went to bed that night knowing that I had surrendered my rejection to God and it was no longer mine. I'm not sure when and how, but things changed, they changed, slowly. I remember driving to school happily speaking to my mom. It was then that I had realized I was speaking to my mom in the car - something we hadn't done for months. I began spending lunches with my friends outside, I left my earphones at home and started looking at people as I walked past them in the hallways. I participated in class discussions, asked questions, my grades went up and I got an academic award, I started making friends that I still speak to this day, My life really took a 180 degree, all because I surrendered my rejection and received Gods acceptance.

I need to tell you, whatever you are facing, you will continue to struggle with it until you bring in to Jesus. I know it sounds rough but we often think we've dealt with stuff, but activity is masking the fact that you have heart issues. I've experienced first hand - Gods transforming and renewing of my mind and I can't sit here and keep that to myself. So here's a quick step by step guide:

1. Write a letter, say it out loud, confess it to someone - just let it out!

2. Surrender it to God

3. Choose daily to surrender it to God.

You are important, valued and loved.

-Ken