Feelings

I'm not an athlete, but when it comes to emotions, I'm Usain Bolt. I run away from them so often that sometimes I think I’ve outrun them. I've gotten really good at it, to the point where I’ve fooled the people around me. Got them believing that “it didn’t affect me” “it's okay” “that didn’t hurt”. And I don’t blame them for believing me, heck, I believe myself. You know the memory part of your brain, I somehow struggle to get that thing to function, so often I genuinely forget how a situation made me feel and because I don’t remember it, I kinda just forget it exists at all, however, subconsciously that feeling stays and isn't dealt with.

So sometimes when I feel sad or upset about something, I immediately minimise it because I didn’t allow myself to fully comprehend the depth of what I was feeling so it gets watered down to: “It wasn’t that bad”

My journal is filled with one-liners like "I'm allowed to feel" or "this feeling is valid" because I tend to believe that I'm not allowed to be angry, sad, irritated or annoyed. I find myself wanting to cry, shout or even speak but I sit alone with my thoughts wondering if my 'hurt' is justified or valid, am I allowed to feel hurt, upset or angry? (also the fact that I just put 'hurt' in quotation marks just shows how much I minimize them, lol )

You might resonate with this, on some level we struggle to deal with our emotions and because it's too much we just stick an 'its okay' on it and call it a day.

Feelings aren’t bad.

Believe it or not, I have to remind myself of that. I have to remind myself that God gave me emotions and that I shouldn’t run away from them.

Even writing this, I feel like I’m overexaggerating how I feel, its really a cycle. I feel something, ignore it, minimise it and then when I finally feel everything all at once I think it's unnecessary because I didn’t give myself the space to feel it. At one point in 2018, it got to a point where I avoided God because my emotions felt too big to even comprehend.

'i feel so silly, sitting here, feeling all that I am feeling unable to speak to you about it. What am i afraid of? I've spoken to you before, you're my dad. I'm heartsore, upset, angry, annoyed, empty and somehow I am unable to tell you that. if anyone knows about heartache, being upset or feeling rejected it's you. you've been through it. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed its more like I'm avoiding you. I'm avoiding you because I feel avoided. and that's not fair to you - you never avoided me or rejected or hurt me but I feel the need to avoid you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I don't tell you what I feel, I'm sorry I don't speak to you. you don't deserve this at all. I don't know what to do but nothing"

This was an honest conversation I had with God and he responded with an image. An image of a father holding a baby, cradling a baby. God being the father, me being the baby. For so long I'd try soothing myself, avoiding my feelings, cradling myself. But this time I allowed God to cradle me. I sat cross-legged on my bed and as a sat there I wrapped my arms around my legs I could feel the presence of God wrap around me.

Psalms 16:8-11 TPT

Because you are close to me and always available, my confidence will never be shaken, for I experience your wrap-around presence every moment. My heart and soul explode with joy—full of glory! Even my body will rest confident and secure. For you will not abandon me to the realm of death, nor will you allow your Holy One to experience corruption. For you bring me a continual revelation of resurrection life, the path to the bliss that brings me face-to-face with you.

I was reminded that his love sweeps over me, that I can melt in his peace, it's overwhelming.

I felt the peace that transcends all understanding and began to cry as he cradled me, reminding me that he is present. He is a present father. That I no longer had so soothe myself but allow him to hold me. The beautiful thing about the cradling a baby is that you don't minimize what a baby feels, you don't minimise their tears or reject what they're feeling, you just hold them until the crying seizes and they fall asleep. God wanted the same for me, to just rest in his arms.

Whenever I feel like my emotions are unnecessary or invalid I remind myself that just like a baby, God doesn't minimize what I feel, he doesn't minimise my tears or reject what I'm feeling, he just holds me until the crying seizes and I fall asleep in his peace. It's a journey and there are days where I avoid what I'm feeling and everything bottles up and I have to remind myself that God is a personal God, he wants to be present, he wants to love, he wants to cradle us.

Take a moment today and reflect on what you're allowing to cradle you: people, feelings, insecurities ... and know that nothing can fulfil you like the Father.