Dream

As a child we're filled with wonder and hope of the future, we stay up a night imagining what we're going to be when we're older. We're fascinated by the idea of the what tomorrow holds. We have this childlike faith, this childlike desire to dream about the future. Ah! It was bliss, having no doubt that it would work out, being completely sure that it was attainable, Dreaming and dreaming and dreaming.

Then, life hits you with a pillow, and you're awakened by your fears, your doubts and your realisation that your dreams are unrealistic. At least that’s what life did to me. I remember being in grade 12 so fearful of my future that I hadn’t even looked at universities or possible degrees. While everyone was applying and packing and dreaming, I was stuck in fear. I was so fearful of the future that I was trapped. I hadn’t applied for uni, I hadn’t even thought about what I wanted to do. Fear literally kept me trapped. I was afraid to talk about or even allow myself to think about it.

The future had felt like this intangible far away thought, a thought I'd always kept hidden. But that year I was obligated to think about it, I was required to unwrap thoughts that I’d kept hidden away in the boxes of my heart. Boxes of disappointment, of insecurity and ultimately fear. I was so fearful of the future that when people asked me what I wanted to do or what my dreams were, I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t even begin to explain what I desired because for so long I wasn’t allowing myself to desire. For so long I avoided my dreams, I avoided allowing myself to believe that I was able to achieve immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. I have friends that dream about moving to NYC, starring in broadways, becoming president, feeding nations, making a massive difference. I love listening to people's beautiful and crazy dreams! I long to sit for hours as someone pours out their deepest desires. But when it comes to me I somehow struggle to reach that part of me. Like I have plans and desires but I've never sat and daydreamed about them. One day a friend asked about my future and my dreams - the very question I'd been avoiding. I told my friend that I hadn't thought about it, that I don't really take my ideas to God.

My friend told me that God wants me to desire, he actually plants those desires in my heart for a reason. Sometimes your deepest desire is the place God wants you to go and how will you know it if you don't take it to God. I told my friend, what if it isn't from God, what if it's not his will, but how will you know if you don't dare to desire? Take ideas to God - it could be a God thought.

This weekend I dared to desire, this weekend God reminded me of the desires I'd forgotten about, the desires I kept hidden in the boxes of my heart, the ones I was too afraid to even admit. Because to be honest, the desires I have are scary. The desires I have are impossible to reach without God. This weekend I woke up, turned up the worship music and was reminded of the desires that were planted in my heart and instead of becoming fearful of them, I became faith-filled. I know its a journey, and I know I'm going to have to become intentional with it, but this weekend God relit the desires in my heart and I'm encouraged now to take my ideas to God and daydream with him.