Doubt

Hey! Its been a while... technically a month since I last wrote, life has been kinda crazy in the past month and because this blog is transparent and real- let's talk about it.

My parents got covid19 and things kinda just went south in my brain. It's crazy how strong you are in your relationship with God when things are going well but as soon as a storm hits it's like all the truth you know just disappears. It's like the storm clouds your judgement completely (haha, get it - cause when there's a storm, there are clouds) anyway, that storm completely derailed my mindset, I found myself in a complete rut. I had to stay in my room, while I heard coughing, crying, throwing up and pain and I couldn't even comfort or help because I had to stay quarantined. This is how a day in my life looked like:

Wake up, put my mask on, go to the kitchen, sanitize everything and take out my own utensils that hadn't been touched by my parents, I'd go back into my room and stay there until lunch and dinner, my parents would be sleeping the whole day and this was a cycle for 2 weeks straight. Because I couldn't go out, I stayed cooped up my head and started doubting everything. I was so upset with life. So upset that I didn't even pray for my parents to get better, like what! The one thing I could've and should've done I didn't.

It was bad, so bad that when I look back on my notes, photos or memories of that time there's literally nothing, I was so worn out. The house was quiet - something so new to me, if you've ever been to my house you know how loud it is, everyone's always up to something: my sister making smoothies at 8 am, my dad working outside, my mom laughing on the phone, the tv blasting worship music. Me waking up at 11, making my way into the lounge while my sisters doing a workout, my dad watching Facebook videos at the fullest volume, my mom frantically looking for the keys or making food. I'd walk in half asleep and my dad would say "good evening" and laugh as if he hasn't made that joke every day. I didn't realize how much I appreciated and valued the crazy until it left, until waking up to silence, sitting with my thoughts, hearing my parents cough consecutively and being unable to do anything about it, being scared of leaving the room in case I got it.

I wish I could say during one of the storms in my life I got this massive revelation and my whole life changed, that I had this enlightenment and I never saw life the same, however, what I can say is that I've learnt to appreciate my moms laugh, my dads lame jokes, my sister barging into my room at 7 am looking for an outfit and my other sister finding any excuse to come over and hang out with us. I appreciate sitting together in the lounge as a family at the fireplace, I appreciate my mom making a meal, cuddles with my dad just because, meaningful conversations while doing the dishes with my sister, spontaneous trips to the shop for waffles. The smallest things excite me and I'm so happy that I get to live this life with wonder. In the midst of this time I wrote a song, I haven't really figured it out but here's a clipping of it :

He chooses me

You choose me at my worst

Even when I don't choose you first

You choose me when I’m lost

And you bought me at a cost

You choose me when I'm weak

When my acts don’t align with what I speak

You choose me when I doubt

And you always seek me out

In a time where I doubted God, where I avoided talking to him, where I didn't seek him out and trust him he still chose me every day. Every day that I woke up and wished I could go back to sleep, every day I skipped past my worship playlist, every day I doubted His power he still wanted to choose me. And he chooses you too - in your brokenness, in your shame, in your doubt, he chooses you!