Anxiety

I have a tendency of writing about my past and the challenges I faced and dealt with, however writing about my current challenges is extremely more vulnerable and scares me, so here I am doing the exact thing that terrifies me. Understanding that as much as my past experiences and revelation can be helpful, so is honestly addressing the now and the reality of my present. So here it goes, hopefully, you leave here feeling a little less alone.

My anxiety has been at an all-time high recently, it sucks, it really does because the truth is that God is real and his perfect love drives out all fear - but when you're in the depth of your anxiety and the waves of doubt and fear crash through your mind it's difficult to make his perfect love your anchor. It's like everything you know about God takes a backseat and your mind begins racing. It's shallow breathing, taking naps at any given chance, avoiding the reality of what you're feeling and just wanting to sink into the floor, it's hearing worship music and instead of it washing over you its like background noise, it's wanting to talk about how you feel but not having the words to describe it or the energy to watch someone have to comprehend the big emotions that not even you can describe.

In the devotional, I've been doing (well quite honestly, hardly doing) the scripture was

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And the devotional spoke about the limits or wounds we carry is often the place where God demonstrates his power. Its the most counterintuitive truths in scripture to embrace because it flies in the face of our natural tendency to want to be in control. Our weakness, our lack of, our less than is Gods opportunity to reveal his power. I'm not sure about you but whenever my anxiety hits me - it paralyses me where I physically feel the attack of thoughts, all I wanna do is sleep or sit in a daze, I'm weak, I'm vulnerable and in a zombie state of mind, it's in that state that God says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” But how God? When I lay at night unable to fall asleep or when I wake up by a jolt of anxiousness or when worship music feels like background noise - how can I possibly be strong?

In moments where seeing God in the "middle" is difficult I love to reflect on the past and how he came through. This is a revelation I got from God in 2019 that I love sharing and it's in Daniel 3 - the four men in the furnace. ( if you haven't read it in a while, go read and then come back here)

"I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!”

"I'd rather walk freely in the furnace than in bondage in Babylon"

This was one of those times God straight up gave me a full sentence. He dropped this bomb in my spirit and I immediately asked him what this meant.

Babylon represented: sin, rebellion and worshipping pagan gods like idols (anything that takes the place of God in your life - sin, anxiety etc) wanting to be in control.

God clearly stated to me that it is better to walk in the fire with him than to live in bondage in my own personal Babylon. Babylon feels good in the moment and it's choosing your flesh every time, it's worshipping your feelings and placing your own will before Gods. Walking with God in the fire means choosing God regardless of the challenge, instead of choosing immediate comfort in the flesh, its choosing everlasting peace in God.

Every season's fire looks different - throughout the years our fire might change, our challenges look different but the one thing that must remain is deciding to walk with Jesus in the midst of the fire. Right now this season is having to actively decide every day to walk with Jesus and when hearing his voice is difficult, knowing his heart is more important. The heart of Jesus wants me, along with all my feelings that feel too big. I really hope I get to look back at this blog post and see how I've actively decided to choose Jesus in the midst of the fire and I hope this encourages you to do the same.

Thank you for listening to my raw and unfiltered heart in the midst of the reality of the now. If you have any topics for future blogs that you'd like to read leave a comment or email me, I'd love to hear from you! (also my comments are working again so sign in and leave a comment!)