Numb

Warning: It’s about to get super real and deep. (ahhh I’m scared, but it’s good)

Have you ever felt numb?

numb to your feelings, numb to the consequences, numb to yourself.

I found myself in a place of numbness for a while, and when I say a while I mean a whole year, specifically my last year of High School.

I had asked for it. I had begged to feel numb, to rid myself of all the hurt I was feeling. Have you ever gotten to that point? Where you couldn’t handle all your emotions that you wished to feel nothing? I had gotten it. I felt numb. I was numb to the wisdom of my friends, numb to the nudging of Gods truth, numb to everything around me. I was good at hiding it, playing the part, giving people the right answers when they asked, masking every thought. It was as if every thought had disappeared, every decision made without regard. I hadn’t realized I was living like this for so long. I isolated myself from my friends, from my church, from my family and made dumb decisions. I got to the point where every decision I made wasn’t even a thought. I felt like a zombie, literally just walking around without any regard.

I hadn’t spoken to God in a while, and when I did it was just to justify my decisions. I got to a point where I couldn't handle it, I never cried, I never got angry, I was never even happy, it was literally like I was sleepwalking through life.

When I was at the peak of my numbness without thought I said out loud “ Someone’s praying for me” I could literally feel someone praying for me- it was crazy weird. But I knew prayer is powerful and it had the power to reach me in all my numbness and I had this compelling desire to worship, and God gave me a song - Communion. ( listen to it.game changer )

And as Steffany sang “ Here’s where the dead things come back to living” I shouted it, and I sang it with faith, and I cried and called out to God and it was as if all the numbness had vanished. I fell to my knees and sang it louder. I sang, knowing that that’s exactly what God was doing in my heart. He was reviving my hurt, numb, dead heart. Bringing me back to life. I felt the overwhelming sensation of numbness leave me. And it was as if I was made new. My thoughts new, my heart new, my desires new. The last few months of my life became clear and I began to see God in every aspect of it.

After experiencing God transform my heart, I never ever wanted to go back to my old way of thinking. It was as if I was a brand new person and I had shed off the old skin. I dealt with the consequences of my actions throughout those few months and found freedom.

I could write a whole book on this topic. This suffocating, overwhelming feeling of numbness. I spent a whole year dealing with it. And every time I thought I had “dealt” with it. I hadn’t. I’d been lying to myself, pretending that everything was alright - damn I was good at it. I’ve always wanted to be an actress and for a whole year, I was living in an act. I had completely lost touch of who I was, who God is and the life that he had promised to me.

But in one moment, in one honest, vulnerable moment I called out to God. I called out to the only one who understood how I was feeling and he revived my dead heart. ONE MOMENT can change everything.

Often, we get told: “time heals”.

I don’t fully agree. Time doesn’t heal, God does.

Yes, it’s important to take time to deal with hurt but ultimately - you can spend YEARS trying to figure something out but as soon as you bring it to the feet of Jesus. Something changes. (ah! This is good!)

Jesus revives.

Side note: this moment didn’t happen during an encounter night at church, or a conference, it happened in my living room. Beautiful that Gods power isn’t confined to a building or an “experience”.

Romans 6:6-11 MSG

We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That’s what Jesus did.

Ahhh I love being alive in God!

If you take anything from this storytime let it be this :

1. God makes all things new

2. Time doesn’t heal, God heals

3. Surround yourself with people praying for you. I am sooo thankful for the people praying in my life - even when they had no idea what was happening they were obedient to God and prayed.

Alright, what a journey. (lol)

I promise not all my posts will be this intense, but I just wanted to share a lil bit of my journey and the little whispers of Gods truth that he gave me in that season. I really believe bringing things to light is important so if you're struggling with anything like this or anything else reach out to someone you can trust, feel free to even email me, I’m always here to chat!

You are loved, valued and important.