2020

As it reaches the end of the year I can't help but reflect upon the year and compare it to last year. I find myself saying "this time last year" followed up with a memory, and whether it be a good or bad memory I'm filled with so much gratitude, I'm thankful for the mistakes, the heartache, the pain, the confusion and the little moments of wonder-filled in between last year.

Last year this time I was finishing up matric, I was burnt out and completely desperate for 2020. I was heartbroken over failed friendships and the people I'd hurt because of my own pain. I didn't like myself this time last year, I didn't like the person I'd become over the year and I was desperate for change. Last year this time I was far from God, far from friends and ultimately far from myself.

Fast forward to this time this year. This time this year I've finished up my first year of university, I've grown in my friendships, I've made a whole connect group of friends, I've uncovered some things about myself, I've embraced my low moments and celebrated the high. I'm so grateful for the plot twists, the "ahhh" moments, the breakdowns, the prayers, the wonder, the love and ultimately the grace and space to figure out everything in between.

This year I made the scariest decision to share my life with strangers and friends, I've shared the wonder in the whispers, value from God and no one else, the overwhelming feeling of numbness, loneliness in isolation, the pain of rejection, the undoing, learning to dream again, running to God, replacing mindsets, learning to abide instead of strive, learning from the past and celebrating the possibilities of the future, trusting in God, knowing that he's the God who sees, dealing with doubts, feelings and the path less travelled. Its been a year of revealing my heart, being vulnerable with the inmost layers of my heart and pouring it out in hopes that someone out there feels a little less alone.

This year feels like the beginning of a great chapter and I'm so excited that I get to bring all the sweet moments into 2021. The sweet moments of meeting new people, playing ukelele by myself, hearing my sisters wedding vows, first dates, sunset missions, watching my plant grow, Aunty Rhonda's pancakes, crying with my sister, facetime until 1 am, my best friends surprising me on my birthday, filming 100 takes for kids church, dinners with friends, movie nights, picnics, maverick city getting me through the year, spontaneous plans, game nights, 30 seconds and laughing on the floor, spontaneous trips to the shops. At the beginning of this year, I got the word 'Undoing" and I can 100% say that it really has been a year of undoing - undoing old mindsets, habits, thoughts and ultimately my heart. I've allowed people inside my heart and allowed others to leave. This year I allowed myself to cry, I allowed myself to be honest about my feelings and I found so much healing in that.

As it comes to the end of the year I wanna encourage you to reflect and write down how your heart is, we often get so consumed by our lives that we actually forget to process a lot of what happened and downplay the reality of what we are feeling - like we really went through a pandemic, we were in isolation for months, we lost so many people, we've dealt with depression, anxiety, we lost jobs, we went through the most and its okay to say that it was difficult. December is here and it's going to look very different from previous years but in all the strangeness and unfamiliarity we get to celebrate the only thing that got us through the year, Jesus.

Grateful for 2020 and all that it has taught me.

Thank you for joining 2020 with me, thank you for allowing me to be real about my feelings, thank you for your sweet encouragements and support.

So excited to share the wonderful moments that await!

Here's a little highlight reel of 2020:

Wonder moments from Jesus and my tea

My sister got married! also, the first wedding I've been to and one of the last weddings before lockdown

(honestly still crying over their vows)

Mexican evening with Aunty Rhonda - honestly added so much celebration and joy in what felt like the most difficult time.

Celebrating my best friends birthday and first time having dinner with my best friends after months of lockdown

First time seeing my parents in over 2 months means cuddles and uncomfortable sleeping

Drive-in movie with my besties

My friends surprising me on my birthday ( during lockdown) honestly still in awe of how loved I felt that day!