Cultivating Friendships in your twenties

Growing up, friendship came fairly easily to me. I was sociable, friendly and, personally, a great friend to have (or at least I think I was!). Like most kids, I didn't have to think twice about making friends. But as the years went on, I slowly discovered that it wouldn't, in fact, be that easy. Friendship was something I would have to work on, intentionally cultivate and actively participate in.

Since then, I've learnt a couple of things along the way, some of them the hard way. So, let my mistakes serve as a little roadmap if you ever find yourself navigating the same tensions.

Entering my twenties, I naively assumed that the friendships I had poured into would simply continue to water themselves. But as we know, when you stop watering a plant, it eventually begins to die. And that's exactly what had happened to some of my friendships.

At the time, I was quick to blame it on 'seasons', 'outgrowing each other' or whatever other explanation I could find. And, let's be honest, I'm pretty sure you've found yourself there too. But the truth was that what had happened was a lack of nurturing, a lack of accountability and, ultimately, a lack of responsibility for the friendships God had entrusted to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do believe that some friendships are for a season. But in the same breath, I also believe that we need to take accountability for the friendships we have and learn to steward them well. When I think about stewardship, I'm reminded of the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25. What God entrusts to us comes with a responsibility to be faithful with it.

And I'm speaking from experience here, so please don't feel condemned. I've been there too, and I've had to learn from the fruit of those experiences. But perhaps there are a few things we can take away from them.

1. What you feed grows, and what you starve dies.

We've all heard this phrase, and I think the same is true of our friendships.

When you feed your friendships with the things they need, they grow, and eventually, you get to enjoy the fruit of that investment. But in that same vein, when you starve your friendships, they will eventually wither.

We can blame anything and everything, but it doesn't change the fact that there are two stakeholders in a friendship, and you play a vital role in yours.

Feeding your friendships looks like inconveniencing yourself. It looks like asking for forgiveness, making time, showing up and intentionally investing effort. Starving your friendships looks like neglecting them while expecting them to somehow grow on their own.

Three years ago, Ben bought me this gorgeous Monstera Deliciosa. And, well, I pretty much left it outside and paid very little attention to it. I never watered it consistently, repotted it or gave it fresh soil. Eventually, the plant pretty much stopped growing.

A month ago, we finally repotted it. Since then, I've been watering it once a week, and within that month, it has grown two new leaves and more on their way! It was so rewarding to see.

It completely blew me away. All it took was a little bit of care, and suddenly, there was new growth. It made me wonder how much of the same could happen in our friendships if we simply gave them the care and attention they needed.

I wonder how many friendships are sitting dormant, not necessarily because they've reached their end, but because they've simply stopped being nurtured.

2. Start taking accountability.

This one's going to sting a little. But it's something I needed to hear in my early twenties, and perhaps it's something you need to be reminded of too.

It's easy to place the blame on anyone but ourselves. It's easy to remain ignorant of our own flaws or find ways to excuse our behaviour. It feels safer that way, right? Surely I can't be the 'bad guy' in my own story.

But that kind of toxic self-preservation will keep you stagnant, complacent and slowly rob you of the very relationships you desire to have.

At some point, we have to stop playing the victim and start asking ourselves some uncomfortable questions. Am I actually showing up for my friends? Am I taking initiative? Am I willing to have difficult conversations? Am I acknowledging where I might have fallen short?

It's time to stop complaining about the state of our friendships while refusing to take responsibility for our part in them.

And listen, I don't say this to be harsh. I say it because I've had to learn it myself.

Pick up the phone. Schedule that coffee date. Send the message. Bring a lasagne. Apologise when you're wrong. Do whatever it takes to start taking ownership of the friendships in your life.

3. Grace upon grace.

Grace is undeserved. Let's start there.

Grace isn't keeping score of who last picked up the phone to call. Grace isn't justifying taking longer to reply simply because the other person took days. Grace isn't constantly measuring how much you've given against how much you've received.

No, grace is undeserved. It doesn't always make logical sense. It doesn't come naturally. It's hard work. It's difficult work.

Asking for forgiveness is difficult. Extending forgiveness is difficult. Choosing to show up again, even when things feel uncomfortable, is difficult.

Friendship is difficult.

But when we begin to understand the magnitude of God's undeserved grace towards us, I think extending that same grace to others becomes a little easier.

Think about the kind of love God has shown us. The kind of love that runs after us, fights for us and seeks us time and time again, even when we haven't earned it. Even when we haven't shown up. Even when we haven't been good at reciprocating it.

And what if our friendships started to reflect even a fraction of that kind of love?

I believe that when we begin cultivating friendships through that lens, we get to experience a little glimpse of our Father's heart.

This is something I've experienced first-hand.

How many glimpses of His heart are we unknowingly denying ourselves because of our own pride? How many opportunities to extend grace, experience restoration and reflect His love are we missing because we're too busy protecting ourselves?